私は美しいおとぎ話を愛する。 それを愛しないもか。


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Saturday, February 25, 2006

i'm searching... for me.

wonder what's wrong with me these days.
has work worn me out completely and rid me of my usual self?
i wasn't like that in the past.
i used to love everyone else around me and i'm thankful for having them with me.
but nowdays, i just can't bring myself to be "normal" again.
i'm thinking too much, maybe.
but i just can't help it.
maybe my period's coming that's why.
and thus i'm now experiencing the mood swings.
i do not feel like talking to anyone when i'm home but i'd be glad if a good friend calls me and starts chatting me up.
why do i suddenly feel unloved?
why am i having such negative thoughts about everything?
this is scaring me cuz i do not wish to be like that.
i wanna be like in the past, whereby i'm happy everyday.

met meifang just now and i was just so glad to be out with her.
though we didn't meet up for quite some time since both of us started our respective jobs, i could still feel the bond and relationship between us.
unlike my family and i.
i feel like i do not know anyone in my family at all.
i do want to know them but i just can't bring myself to smile in front of them like i always did in the past.
i think it's me.
is this the first sign of depression.

anyways, back to my day with meifang.
we went to loyang point in search for the Chinese artist who's pretty good at drawing portraits as meifang's giving the drawing to her boyfriend as their anniversary gift.
while waiting for him to finish drawing, we updated each other on our recent doings.
it feels good to know what she has been up to all this while.
and after that, we went to eat our long-awaited KFC.
and we went to hit the shops which really did cheer me up quite a bit.
bought a new pair of peep-toe shoes, 3 CDs, 1 VCD and 1 DVD.
was shopping alone after that at 6+ as meifang left with dennis to celebrate their anniversary in the evening.
finished shopping at 7+ and i waited below aaron's block as he just booked out today.
normally, i'd die to go home after a long day outside.
but today was exceptional, i did not feel like heading for home at all.
therefore, i waited for aaron for one hour plus downstairs his block and made myself busy by reading.
i was dying to talk to him.
not cuz i've been missing him like hell when he's in army but more of ,e wanting to tell him what has been going through my life and why i'm feeling so weird and abnormal these days.
i broke down in tears while i was telling him how i feel unloved by everyone else and not being able to have someone to talk to was the worst part and all.
i felt much better after telling him everything but i still could not bring myself to be my usual self again.
i feel like i'm lost in a humongous maze and i need someone to pull me out of it, soon.
i like the old me very much.
one who doesn't get unhappy easily.
one who's always optimistic no matter what happens.
i seriously think there's something wrong with me.
i wanna go to a doctor.
i don't think it'd be easy for anyone to pull me out of it.
i'd need to help myself.

| Jasmin posted at 11:35 PM | 2 comments

Saturday, February 18, 2006

What's going through their minds.

had to go back to office today.
all the nice sayings about working only on alternate saturdays were crap.
but i would say that january was a good month as i didn't work on a single saturday due to the different events that cropped up like my company's annual dinner and dance and my favourite chinese new year.
today was another detestable day.
bliss wasn't around but i had uncle pat to chat and laugh with.
well, i was thankful for that.
mainly because i couldn't stand the loud indian music playing from my team leader's computer.
it affected my composure while making calls and most importantly, i couldn't hear what my customers were saying clearly and i even had to stick one finger into one side of my ear while talking to them.
normally when my team leader was around (she wasn't around today as she had to go for training), we'd be listening to perfect 10.
but today, she "took charge" and assumed that we, like her, LOVE the indian music.
i apparently dislike it.
not because its an indian song, but more of it being loud and disturbing, causing me to lose concentration of what i was doing.
besides, she did not spare a thought for the non-chinese sitting in the office like myself and uncle pat.
i'm proud to declare that i'm a Chinese, and a hardworking one too.
at least i don't sit around in the office and mess with my team leader's computer, print out useless, nonsensical lame jokes or talk on the phone pretending to be busy but obviously not or worse still, act so indignant about myself.
i'm glad i managed to finish my stuffs quite early and i left on the dot.
can't wait to get out of the office.
i found out that i really quite like elsie, my new friend.
i don't know exactly what's so wonderful about her that made me feel drawn towards her.
but maybe it's due to the fact that we're still young and we probably could understand each other more.
feels good to have her around.
and i hope she leaves the company soon because given her character, calibre and skills, she'd be better off somewhere else where she doesn't need to slave her life away and only get that meagre sum of money.
like what she told me before, it's not all about the money.
but, i can't find any good reason why she should stay on with those kind of dangerous two-faced freaks around her who only know how to suck up to the bosses.
anyways, enough about today.
finally met up with fiona yesterday after SO LONG!
it was great doing shopping with her and trying on so many clothes together.
oh. and i realised a tiny secret of hers.
i think you know what i'm saying.
bought a 50% discounted giordano jeans, two ebase tops that cost $25 altogether and a $14 pepper plus top!
i absolutely love my cheap buys.
it's the end of season sales and practically every single shop in tampines mall is having huge sales!
but i have to control myself already.
don't wanna end up with zero cent in my account.
i'm pretty tired today and i'm enjoying my barbara delinsky's book right now!
going offline soon to finish up the book and i can't wait to move on to nicholas sparks' the wedding.
seven more working days to go.

| Jasmin posted at 10:35 PM | 0 comments

Sunday, February 12, 2006

it's a dog-eat-dog world out there.

today was a bloody fucked up day as well.
had to go back to office to help out with courier-ing cuz elsie (the girl who handles all incoming and outgoing couriers of my department) is currently in bangkok.
it was wonderful to have bliss around to help out as well.
yesterday was absolutely horrendous because EVERYTHING went WRONG.
well, maybe not all, but the most important part which is the typing of reports part went hay-wired.
i was supposed to do up NINE freaking reports which i've never ever done before in my whole entire life and i've only seen elsie did it TWICE.
and at the same time while doing the nine reports, i'm supposed to put the right rider report in the right stack of couriers for the right courier company. (my company is very NGIAO, so we actually have three diferent courier companies doing the couriers for us)
and i'm actually supposed to calculate the percentage of morning, afternoon and night couriers to go to the right company.
and yesterday, when the three different guys from the respective courier companies came, wanting to pick up the couriers, i wasn't even ready at all.
the rider reports weren't even done, let alone the sorting.
and so, i became very stressed and felt rushed obviously.
hence, i became confused of what i'm doing and voila, everything's messed up.
the riders took the wrong stack of couriers, matched with the wrong rider report.
after that bliss and i almost had to call back the courier guys to change all the couriers and reports.
but it was good that the courier companies would help us re-schedule the jobs.
and today was another hectic day.
i've suddenly seen the TRUE COLOURS of the people in my company.
some are really nice but some are absolute shit.
there was this lady whom i thought was quite kind and sweet, turned out to be quite a disappointment.
she promised to help bliss and i with courier returns today but she was in the fulfillment room playing with the stupid computer.
all talk but no action.
and she offered to help me "settle" the pile of missed jobs but guess what.
she left those pile on a sales agent's table and i found out only after she left.
my team leader and manager were on course today, so she just stared in front of the computer the whole day and God knows what she was doing.
i'm really quite sick of the people around.
there was this sales agent team leader who came to tell bliss and i off cuz she insists of extending the time in which we take in couriers but the old, naive and DUMB lady simply don't understand the dangers of the time extension.
it causes the NINE reports to be delayed, thus delaying the sending out of couriers.
therefore, i'd have three different courier companies calling up to chase after my couriers.
overall, it means SHIT.
i was being rushed like hell yesterday when elsie wasn't around and i couldn't take the stress at all.
but i know that i can do it if given ample time.
in short, i really detest the people there.
hate all of them except for the few kind souls.
can't wait for 28th Feb.

| Jasmin posted at 12:10 AM | 1 comments

Friday, February 10, 2006

i broke down when i reached home after work today.
it's a long story.
shall go sleep now.
not in the mood to think.

| Jasmin posted at 10:59 PM | 0 comments

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

loneliness is always looking for a friend.

today was a very tiring day at work.
had 14 submissions and i'm so damn proud of myself being the TOP submittor in my department today.
but i thought of myself being lucky as i received alot of couriers i sent out previously.
i get satisfied when i've got a high submission rate.
BUT, i'm so stressed out!
well, i do admit that this gives me satisfaction at times but i'd go crazy if i have to check through dumb apps. everyday.
anyways, i gotta go sleep soon, else i'll be groggy tomorow.

| Jasmin posted at 10:23 PM | 1 comments

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

fucked up working world.

after a long break from work, i was dreading to go to office today.
felt so tired and sleepy.
i do not like what i'm doing at all and i feel so sad for myself and every other person i see everyday on the train and in raffles place.
i've seen working adults indulging themselves in self-help books and it kinda freaked me out.
i understand that some of them do not have a choice but to stick to their current boring office job probably due to their qualifications and types of certificates obtained.
but as for ME, i've still got a choice and i now know clearly that in the near future when i step out to work after university, i definitely won't choose an office job.
what i'm doing now isn't exactly administrative work.
instead, it's something much more profound which i find no interest in.
therefore, bliss and i briefly mentioned to our manager that we'll be quitting soon and she said we have to tell her ONE WHOLE MONTH in advance.
the employment letter given to us stated otherwise, saying that 2 weeks would be more than enough.
i think she's doing it on purpose.
a retard won't even require such a long period of time to look for two other people to take over our duties.
well, i chose not to argue with her and simply mumbled an "ookay" and she said we should work till end of February and then we'll get our whole month's pay on March 7. (cuz everyone gets paid on the 7th of every month)
and today after we talked to her, i felt her eyes on me all the time.
well, as what daph said, i shouldn't care and think about it at all.
for now, i'll just concentrate on working hard for this one month and look forward to getting paid on March 7 though it seems quite far.
anyways, something to look forward to will be getting paid for the month of January on February 7!
hope i get loads of money. hahahaha.
and i'm gonna start sourcing for jobs that allow me to start on the 1st of March onwards.
i'm hoping to be able to work in Changi Airport or Tampines Techpark.
i hope my dream will come true this time round.

| Jasmin posted at 9:19 PM | 2 comments