我只想要往前飞
能飞多远也无所谓
我讨厌在这里徘徊
我厌倦我流眼泪
只管闭上眼往前追
若错过太多就有所谓
我害怕了后悔
那种遗憾的滋味
放开那些事与愿违
放开那些是是非非
转过身已走远
请留住我的美
忘掉那些曾经依偎
忘掉那些温柔相随
回过头已终结
只能给自己一个
你曾给的安慰
我害怕了后悔
那种遗憾的滋味
往前飞

feels like things that i'm trying hard to do.
to forget.
to let go.
to leave things behind.
and to move on.

hmmm. it has been a hectic week so far and finally today, i managed to step out of school promptly @ 12.50pm.
anyways, i still hadn't gotten over the "Tampines Junior College... Gold!" fever. :)
i somehow feel pretty lucky that i actually had the opportunities of entering the SYF twice.
and both times obtaining Gold awards. :)
feels reaaaaaaally good. superb.
no words can explain how i felt when the results were being announced.
but i know that i felt like i was on the top of the world.

anyways, today has been a pretty quick day for me.
i feel like i'm being happier as days go by.
but i won't deny that i don't miss or yearn to spend time with him, still.
boo.

we got the Gold award. :)
yea. we did it. :)
dreams can be achieved.
if we believe. :)
well done guys.

it feels superb to see an old friend leave a comment! :)
(and i'm going to make sure that i'm gonna link you up so that i can track whatever you're doing!!! haha.)
thanks girl. anyways, really miss those days when we're always gossiping non-stop in class. haha. :) hope we'll be able to meet up soonnnnn. :)

alrighty. tomorrow's THE DAY. yea. the SYF for junior colleges' guitar ensembles.
the day where all of us only have ONE CHANCE to prove ourselves.
and i'm gonna make sure that nothing will go wrong tomorrow.
(although there's a zillion butterflies fluttering in my stomach now...)
after sooooo much of practice, i'll make sure that all of our efforts will pay off and we'll definitely be able to reap what we've sowed. :)
i understand that it's really quite difficult to attain gold with honours... but still! we're gonna strive for the best!
we're gonna prove them wrong!!!
speaking of this... it reminds me of my secondary school days again...
i remembered the times when all of us were practising so hard for the SYF then as well...
everyone (well, almost.) were looking down on us and expected us to bring back at most a bronze or silver.
well, we kinda surprised everybody cuz we attained the GOLD award!
and i'll never forget that "Anglican High School... GOLD AWARD."
haha. i bet yuting who might be reading this right now must be grinning from ear to ear. :)
well, i guess this is something that'll stay with me for the rest of my life and its really beauti-ful. :)
jiayou for tomorrow girl. :)
let's hope that history will repeat itself.

yayyyyy. we finally cut our hair. cheers. :) don't you think we two look damn demure? lols. we are freaking worried that after we go home and take our baths respectively, our hair will be like *POOF*. gone with the wind. become two separate lion queens again. hehs. anyways, i'm still pretty satisfied with my new hair. though it has a pretty funny shape now. bleahhhhs.

today was a real baddddddd day for me.
i got lectured by my econs tutor for something that i did not do.
normally, i'd have probably got used to this.
but this time round, i'm angry.
really angry.
let the story begin and you people shall be my judges. hehs.

we had a period of econs tutorial today and we were supposed to be going through MCQ questions from the TYS that we have problems with.
the first question we started off with was a graphical question and i really couldn't understand what my teacher (her name's Mdm. Mary Lim by the way) was trying to say.
therefore, fiona and i started asking her questions.
out of the blue suddenly, she claimed, "see class, fiona asked questions but she isn't even listening to my explanation now. and she's like squinting away."
any normal person at this point of time would definitely stand up for herself.
so, fiona replied her by saying: "i was listening to you explain."
and me sitting by her side, added another sentence saying that fiona wasnt squinting at anything at all.
and then, without replying anything, she went back to explaining that question.
for so long, i really could not understand waht she was explaining.
so, i started asking questions like how am i supposed to know where to draw a line or where to draw a tangent to the curve?
she then, came towards my table and asked me to try to draw a DD curve on the graph.
the quadratic graph spreads over such a large area and how am i supposed to know where to plot it?
a friend of mine then told me that the DD curve should be at the left hand side (cuz the econs module said so)
but even if i know its at the left hand side, i still have no idea WHERE to draw it!
thus, i used my ruler and drew three lines and i told her, "see, it can be here, here or here what. all three are tangential to the graph. so which is the exact and correct one? and how do i know that is it the right one?"
she then started teaching me MATHS, like i don't know how a tangent should be drawn properly.
after awhile, she left my table and began to explain to the whole class again.
minutes later, the bell rang and this simply means that we only managed to cover ONE (we probably didn't even complete it properly) MCQ question within a 40-minute lesson.
think she was pretty fed up at us and she said (a little angrily), "since all of you got sooo many questions today, you'll make sure that you..."
and the rest i didn't listen on till i heard my name being mentioned loudly.
she said, "and just now Jasmin was drawing angrily on the book."
this caught my attention immediately.
and she added that our attitudes were very bad too. (think she referred to me specifically or fiona too, i can't remember cuz i was too busy getting uptight over the "drawing angrily")
ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW THAT I WRITE SO HARD THAT THE WHOLE TABLE WILL SHAKE.
and she says that i drew angrily?!
when i didn't even say anything while drawing?
when i only asked some questions?
I WONDER WHAT THIS WORLD IS COMING TO.
or maybe its only HER.
get a life mary.
you can't be a perfectionist.
and you know it.
i feel like killing myself whenever the thought of attending two consecutive periods of her econs lecture on thursdays flash into my mind.

what do i want exactly?
so what if things really do get better?
will i really even be with him?
i'm lost.
i do not know what i want in my life anymore.
but i cannot let this affect my studies.

my godddddd.
today has been terrible like any other saturday cuz i had tuition.
as usual, we did not exchange any form of conversation.
and i just kept on doing my own work.
i zoomed by question by question in the tys, hoping to get myself distracted.
i was quite successful at first.
but after awhile, i don't know.

i wanted to know what he was doing.

i wanted to see what he was busy with.

i wanted to be part of him.

my godddddd. here i go again.
why can't i just be strong?
i feel like i'm going downnnnn, again.
it's been one whole week since we stopped talking.
i do not expect him to come and talk to me but i, instead, wanna talk to him so badly.

JASMIN! please! stop degrading yourself time and again!!!

isn't this picture pretty? =) ruilong knows that i've been feeling down these few days and he drew my favourite Smurfs to cheer me up! thanks pal. really appreciate it. =)

met up with ph today and i had a helluva great time. =)
it's been ages since we last saw each other and today we chatted almost non-stop like the old days.
it was really fantastic to be able to meet up with her...
and i was so freakin' happy when i received her sms asking to meet up yesterday.
it's like, although it's only a simple sms, i was so excited la.
all because we've not seen each other for a damn long time.
anyways, we updated each other on our respective lives and we seem to have sooo much to talk about.
we just couldn't stop yakking.
though we're in different colleges and stuff, there wasn't any kind of barrier between us at all.
i felt so close to her still.
before meeting her, i got the long-awaited pw grade at 1.30pm today.
well, it seems to me that the whole world has gotten a band 2.
bleahhhh.
well, maybe not the whole world, but most of the people.
anyways, i ain't bothered because i've got other things that are constantly on my mind.
i suddenly have the urge to meet all of my old friends.
to catch up with their lives and to reminicise those good old times.

i miss him.
i miss him.
i miss him.

i really do miss him.

i'm acting up again.

i'm not supposed to be missing him.

but we kept exchanging glances during Econs lecture today. =(

since you claimed that you've forgotten everything, then STOP PEEPING AT ME!
since you claimed that you don't wanna care about me anymore cuz you're fed up at everything about me, throw everything away. memories especially.
delete all the messages.
change your passwords.
and STOP STOP STOP!!!! looking at meeeeeee. =(
if i wasn't looking at you, i won't know that you're looking at me. =(
yea. i just can't control myself.

i'm feeling better as days go by and somehow, i'm really thankful for all my friends by my side who are all seeing through this with me together. =)
although my mood in school still kinda stinks and i hate it too.
but thankfully, my friends are around to make me smile.
today has been a really tiring day, with the orientation for the new year ones to start off with, followed by a performance extravaganza by us and the chinese orchestra.
i was really amazed that our school CO could actually play so well.
i could feel them delivering the music into our hearts.
they were really "feeling" the music but it might be due to the loud nature of all their instruments as well.
but still, i felt that their music was quite magnificent and majestic and i enjoyed every bit of it.
even our guitar instructor commented that their peformance was quite well done. (except for tiny flaws here and there.)
when it was our turn to perform, i was already breaking out in cold sweat as we seemed so inferior and small as compared to the large group of players with super-duper loud instruments.
well, although the performance we put up wasn't our best, i'm glad it's over.
anyways, i'm starting to count down to SYF.
it's kinda freaky whenever i think of the number of days we are left with to the BIG DAY. (which is on 28th April by the way.)
part of me yearns for that day to come asap so that my workload will be lighter and i won't feel so stressed up.
but another part of me hopes that that day will never ever come.
heh. sounds so contradictory ain't it?
ohhh. and tomorrow's the last day my class is going to Peacehaven for cip already.
hope we'll have a fruitful time tomorrow. =)
feeling really tired and i guess i need my bed soon...

i have so much to say but i don't know where and how to start.
i called and talked to him last night.
i realised that i made him really tired and sick of everything.
this whole issue has been dragged for far too long... and i'm the main culprit behind it.
but, i've really been trying my best already.
and now, he's finally putting an end to all these miseries.
i know that such a thing will come sooner or later.
i just didn't expect it to come so soon.
he's saying all those mean stuffs to me just because he wants everything to come to an end asap.
he was really fed up at me.

i made him too upset.
i made him wait almost a year.
i made him lost hope in me.

i was the cause of everything and i don't deny it.
now that he's so determined and all to end this whole thing asap, i guess i should only accept it?
but why am i crying during Econs lesson secretly?
and why do i feel so "xing ku" whenever i see him in school today?
i feel so... argh. so useless.
why am i like time and again degrading myself?
since he's so "xiao sa", why can't i be the same?
why can't i just put down everything and forget about him?
why am i still concerned about him?
my godddd.

i'm on the verge of breaking down.

i can't believed i actually told him off yesterday.
he claimed (and still does.) that there's a problem with MY attitude.
so, i just asked him straight, "so what's the problem with MY attitude?"
he shutted me off from msn and went offline.
he did not even bother to reply me.
naturally, i got pissed and angry and upset.
i sms-ed him awhile after i went offline too, hoping that we could talk things out properly, again.
but i guess i couldn't contain the anger in me and just kept criticising the way he's treating me.
i even sent a 5-sms long message telling him off throughout.
i just said whatever i could think of without actually thinking whether he might be hurt by what i said.
he got fed up of me as well.
by the way i speak and the way i think.
i guess i really pissed him off last night. badly.
but now, i know that i'm wrong to say all those mean stuff.
he didn't wanna reply me anymore.
fine. i respect his decision and actions.
hope i get this over soon.
oh. and did i mention that i couldn't stop crying after we sms-ed?
i don't understand why i'm so concerned about this issue.
and i'm dreading school tomorrow.

as usual, i had tuition early in the morning today.
wasn't expecting today to turn out oh-so-well.
after few weeks of anticipation and waiting, i know he's never gonna take the initiative.
and i would again, be described as being "inactive".
heh. this word just couldn't get out of my mind.
i got really upset during tuition today.
not because of any special incident.
i got angry and mad and irritated and frustrated all at the very same time.
why is he treating me like that?!
who does he think he is to treat me like that?
time ticked by super slowly and i was messaging ruilong, hoping to get myself away from the frustration.
all i had wanted was to get home asap.
i really can't stand being in the same place, sitting in a seat next to him and us not talking at all.
i hate it.
we seem like total strangers who have never met before.
he makes me feel so low, always.
i always try not to look in his direction.
but it's not working.
maybe i should really quit tuition.
then everything would be better?
but it would then be obvious that i'm trying to escape. again.

i'm already trying my super best to put everything behind me.
am i still not doing enough?
and why do i keep having flashbacks from the past?
it's kinda scary whenever i realised i actually missed those times.
and i would keep reminding myself that everything's over.
somebody help me.
get me out of this utter mess.

miss you girls badly.

sinful bimbos. hah.

BLURrrr but beau-ti-ful. =)

cutie pies! *grins*



pretty pretty!

why should i always be the one who starts a conversation?
why should i always be the one who tries to salvage a bad situation?
why should i always be the one taking the intiative?

isn't life simply about giving and taking?
i don't see any reason for me to be the one always having to DEGRADE myself.
feel so stupid.
feel like an absolute fool.

anyways, school ended pretty fast today and i finished at 12.10pm!
and now, i'm waiting for sf and est to finish school and we'll be meeting up!
yayyy.
really happy. been a real long time since i last met them. =)

oh and i remembered something ruilong said to me today.
i must learn to be "guai".
hmm. am i really that bad?
i'm already trying my best not to flare up already.
that is why...
icantbebotheredandidontwannacareanymore.

alrighty. i'm finally back in action. was M.I.A. for such a llllooooonnnngggg time, i know. =)
anyways, really wonder how come i've finally decided to blog faithfully again.
hmmm. think i've been too stressed up these days.
that is why, i, again, need a place where i can pour out my sorrows and frustrations.
and this might also act as a platform for me to sort out my thoughts properly.
been feeling really blues these days.
gets irritated easily.
don't feel like talking to some people suddenly.
don't wanna do certain things normally.
don't quite understand my friends recently.
heh.
i don't know what myself is driving at... but after reading tingism's latest entry, i felt the same way too.
i nodded to myself dumbly at all those "Have-you-evers".
i always feel that i might just be better off alone.
as in, just hide in a corner in the school library and mug all by myself.
with no one next to me to bother me.
but on the other hand, will i then look like a pathetic soul with no friends? heh.
i've got great friends in jc i must admit.
but at times, they don't seem so great after all.
maybe it's just me, again, being over-sensitive.
but i feel kinda suffocated at times... having to please everybody at the very same time.
why can't YOU people please ME instead?
heh. never mind. enough of my rantings.

i went for CIP with my classmates at Peacehaven again today.
a group of us were late again and yes, the boys gave us that "why-are-you-girls-late-again-and-you'll-are-forever-late" look.
i was so pissed when i saw their faces and all of them looked so unhappy.
but it wasn't our fault. really.
we were supposed to reach there at 2.30pm. and we were waiting for bus 29 at 1.30pm already. (Peacehaven's somewhere in pasir ris by the way, so you can see how early we left for that place.)
just as we boarded the bus, fiona mentioned about bus 37 which could go there directly instead of taking bus 29 and we still have to change to bus 2.
hence, we got down 2 stops after to wait for bus 37.
and guess what, huiyun suddenly called, asking where are we, and she told us that bus 37 only starts service at 3pm.
it's not like we weren't unlucky enough. we thus took bus 29 again and we waited for bus 2 for more than half an hour! *argh*
what's wrong with the bus services these days.
thats it. end of story.

we taught the elderly origami and they were quite fascinated by what we were doing.
suddenly felt so wonderful to be able to do a little part for those lonely souls even though i was feeling all frustrated by the niceeee guys in my class.

think i'd better stop here. or else i won't know what's gonna come out from me.